Mama Unmasked

So i wanted to start on a good note… bear in mind our bedtime and routine is on point, yet i can’t ever fucking sleep. 😩

So on a average day my husband takes the kids to school, as I struggle with drop offs and pick me ups, as it’s so crowded and the school won’t compromise and let me drop them if at the main office and pick them up as other parents will apparently see it as favouritism 🤦‍♀️ which has actually caused us more problems than you think.

Like for my husband to work, because it’s awkward for him to catch a bus where he would need to work and he doesn’t drive. The boss sets of at half 6, but the kids have to be at school for 8:45… BUT he could drop them off at 8 if my dad, who he would go to work with, would go to work for 8:30.

So pick my husband and the kids up at 7:50, drop them at school by 8, and they go to breakfast club, and then school would let me pick them up at reception. I’m well enough to do that schedule… but people say they can’t.

But they can.

And they have not helped our situation when something so small could help my family grow and financially be stable… but they don’t want to help in that situation.

So here we are. 😑

Anyway… a normal day. Mark takes them to school, he gets back around 9:15 as he walks with them and walks home. Anyway, then we usually do sweet nothing until 11 (a very important activity), then potter around, do all the house work until the kids come home, where I have there tea ready and then we have family time.

Then half 6 we all go upstairs as the older two get to wind down and relax in there cosy pyjamas, do there skin care and have a wash and relax…

…and my little one, we get her washed into her pyjamas and we watch a film on Disney plus and she’s a sleep by 8.

Other two about 9… but my oldest struggles sleeping. She just lays awake.

No tv.

No nothing.

And she still can’t sleep. 😵‍💫

Then I can’t go to bed at 9 or I wake up at 3 and have nightmares all night (no idea why??), and I can’t go to bed at 11 as that’s the time my partner likes to have his time and we share one tv.

So then because of my adhd I struggle to sleep with all the background noise and I then grab my phone and doom scroll all night… and/or I lay trying to sleep and nothing happens…

And then we get up late.

And then we get in trouble with the school. 😒

And they take one look at my other half who dresses in clothes from JD sports (who I think is gorgeous as hell 😍) but they seem to think he’s some chav gangster.

And I’m disabled, so between us both they assume we are drinking or up to no good and we’re late cause we can’t be arsed… and it’s not the case. It’s generally innocent.

So anyway… I have to go to bed with my youngest or we struggle to get up.

My husband is also on sleeping tablets to help him sleep as he has nighttime ptsd, so waking him is like waking a bear during hibernation 🐻❄️ and I’m adhd, struggled to sleep all night, and I wake only on point when I’ve had 8 hours.

So when I go to bed at 2am I would naturally wake at 10… so not good.

So to get us out of the mess, and the kids been getting to school about 8:50 or 9 (and they’re meant to be there for 8:40 🙃)… also my mom had a heart attack on December 11th.

My brother lives in Australia, and my mom and dad are no longer together romantically, and he works, so that made me a carer temporary for my mom. It was the most traumatic thing ever, as my husband and my mom was how I’ve been managing the last 6 years… well, all my life, but mainly the last 6 years.

To all of a sudden my mom — the most independent, stubborn, loving person — couldn’t do anything. Wasn’t allowed to even lift a kettle or wash her own clothes. She was frustrated… and I had to figure it out.

Anyway, I got really run down and by Christmas Day (I also can’t have caffeine or alcohol as I have an overactive bladder and severe anxiety and both of those things just don’t help my body at all 🙄 and whilst mom was in the hospital I drank so much caffeine and gave myself a UTI which turned into a kidney infection).

I can’t take antibiotics, only Fosfomyacin, which helps UTI. So I rang 111 Christmas Eve night. I got my mom to my house to sleep over Christmas holidays and they sent my prescription on Christmas Day to a chemist. My husband and dad went to collect for me and that was that.

Anyway… antibiotics lower your immune system, and then on New Year’s Day I must have got flu from travelling from my house to mom’s. And I couldn’t see mom. I haven’t seen my mom, who I was caring for, for over 20 days!!! 😭

Because she can’t catch anything now as any infection or cold will cause inflammation and can cause it in her pericardium (which is around her heart — because of course it is).

So that’s that.

Anyway… I got flu. Had to have a chest X-ray as I felt like my lung was going to implode (not explode). And my husband got similar as well, but I had a fever, this lung issue and nothing else.

It was so bad I felt like death. I was very scared.

Then we was late naturally (both parents down), and Mark’s only been ill 3 times in nearly 16 years… so trust me when I say IT WAS BAD!!

Then as I was getting over that and the kids went back to school (they had been at school like 2 weeks at this point after holidays), they then brought home tonsillitis and a cold.

Oh yeah.

We caught that. 😐

I didn’t get bacterial and neither did my eldest daughter or youngest, but my middle daughter and my husband ended up on antibiotics for that.

And then I got the sore throat, full body aches and fever again… but no white spots.

So then I got a letter from school — even though I’ve communicated with the headteacher and loads of members of staff, all telling me “it’s ok, we understand the lates, you have all been through so much, just get the kids in”… and I have every time and showed all the proof.

I got a letter saying I could be getting a fine or prosecution if it doesn’t change.

And I literally broke down.

I was like… right. So I’m trying to finally show this year is not going to be survival, it’s the living year before I’m 30 in May. And I nearly lost my mom, who had a full right blocked artery and now has a stent, gone from no medication to like 8 types. And she’s stopped smoking after 50+ years.

And I saw her blue. And I saw on her notes that on the way to the hospital they did CPR on her but never told us face to face… which meant my mom frickin died at some point.

Oh… and I’ve gone from having no infections to 3 in these 5 weeks. And been late for school more than ever. And also now this letter.

What. Is. Happening.

So here we are.

Last night I chose… fuck it. I’ll go to sleep at 9.

And I woke up at half 5. 😳

I made the kids breakfast. They had gammon, crumpets and eggs. My youngest doesn’t like gammon and eggs and is lactose intolerant, so she has vegan Flora buttered crumpets with vegan cheese.

And my eldest, who’s 11 but is more like 16 (very mature), made us all warm drinks — so worked alongside mama this morning 🥹 very thoughtful.

And then my middle daughter, after we all finished breakfast, she filled the dishwasher up. And we all got dressed and all our hair tied up and sorted…

And it’s still only 7am at this point.

So they played and relaxed.

But I thought, I feel loads better… I’m going to call my mama and tell her I’m coming to see her.

So Mark took the kids to school. The house is tidy. I’m dressed. I made breakfast. And they’re on time.

Mom is happy we’re going. I can help her with so many jobs I haven’t been able to help her with. 🥹

… when mom was very poorly in hospital we didn’t realise how bad things had got at mom’s, as she’s full of pride and she hasn’t been able to work for years as she stopped to make sure her parents, my grandparents, wasn’t put in a home. Anyway, then she only had a year to wait for her pension as she did work all her life beforehand, and things had kind of built up and she hadn’t said anything.

Anyway, before that my mom lived in a house since 2011 and it was private. They waited until my grandad’s inheritance came through and let mom spend it doing the house up… and then told her they was selling it from under her.

So she became homeless and came to live with me for a year. Then she finally got a house on council — she had 20 years on housing — and they was trying to place her miles away from us all, and she also doesn’t drive.

Then one stormy day, the house she moved into, the fence blew down and council wouldn’t fix it.

So speed up to date… my mom can’t go out at the moment and has been wanting to do her garden so bad, but every time she comes out her neighbour comes out. And mom can’t get anything done. And my mom is very social and likes her, but also wants some peace 😅 and she hasn’t been able to with no fence.

So when she was in hospital I asked her what her wish list was and I promised (I NEVER BREAK PROMISES — RULE NUMBER 1, along with loyalty in my life).

So anyway, I told her I will get down this list. Bear in mind I can’t work and I’m skint, so I was planning on selling some of my sideboards and fish tank and bits round my house, as they’re only material and my mom’s my life anyway.

I contacted my brother in Australia. He went over there to work and I told him my plans and he told me he will help. And he got a contractor, and within 5 days we had planned it, got someone out, did a quote, booked it… it’s up and paid for.

So now I get to go see my mama and her new fence. 🥹

I’m also hoping I can get out more as I’m always stuck in. I only go out for the kids to this nature walk thing or to the local small park. Anything big, mom or dad takes them to, as instead of hyperventilation panic attacks my nervous system shut down and used to make me pass out. Or if I’m over stimulated… adults are worse than kids.

And I was sick of it. I had no fight. And I developed agoraphobia.

I’m not a bad mom or a bad person. I’ve just gone through a lot. It sounds very bad, but trust me when I say I’ve been fighting every day through this.

So already today I’ve done so much. And to all you moms out there — “you haven’t done anything that we don’t do each day” or “that’s not a lot”… well, well done Dixie. I’m so very happy you’re lucky enough not to have had what I have. Instead of judging me whilst reading, a little bit of nice goes a long way.

Anyway, I’ve decided instead of setting myself really big goals to just do the small things and try to do as many small things in a day as I can. And then at the end of the day I can look back and be like… I’ve actually done a lot today.

I’m really proud of myself. And then tomorrow I will try again. And I’ll just keep doing it.

And I’ve decided that if I pretend to be really confident then eventually I’ll just be confident.

Like I could’ve give up a long, long time ago. And it’s like when you’re losing weight — you try Weight Watchers, you try SlimFast, you try Paleo diet. There’s all different ways to get the same result. And that’s what I’ve been doing with my life.

Trying different ways to get up every morning.

Trying different ways to help my health every day.

Trying different food.

Just trying everything.

That is all I’ve done.

And my routine is literally like on point — it’s just the sleep issue. So I just need to find a time I can go to bed that’s not too early so I can still spend time with my partner, and not too late where I don’t get up.

And that’s where I’m at.

So I will continue this later on when I am back from my mom’s and I will tell you about the rest of my day.

So I’m now sat on my bean bag in my bedroom. I went to my mom’s and it was the nicest feeling in the world after not seeing her for 20+ days. I’ve missed her so much.

We had such a good talk and lots of cuddles. And we was laughing because my mom has animal visitors. She had loads of squirrels that used to take rich tea biscuits out my mom’s hand — she was like Snow White.

And they was all grey and old looking and we called them Sidney and Alice Maud. Anyway, we think they have passed because today when I went there’s young, feisty red squirrels.

We have named the one we saw Tanner.

And I got my mom some granola for breakfast — it’s the brand “Jordan’s”. And we put some in a bowl on mom’s garden table, and the squirrel ran down the fence, jumped on the chair and then onto the table…

And it emptied the bowl on the table and chucked the bowl. 😭

It made us laugh. And we had put two biscuits in it also, and it got one and ran like the wind, so fast.

About 10 minutes later it came back with a pigeon and a robin and they all was platonic and friendly, like they was all neighbours and was happy to share. It was very cute and funny.

I took some pictures.

Anyway, I explained to mom when I want to relax I sometimes like, like an old woman, play music that I suppose is classical. And I’m not usually a fan of it, but it’s from a 1990s children’s TV program I watch to help me sleep called Little Bear.

I went on YouTube and put Little Bear soundtrack playlist on and it was so forest-feeling. And mom laughed at how cute I was, she said.

And I said to mom I wish my grandad David was alive, as when I was younger I didn’t understand the joys of scenery and birds until I had my own version of hell I never thought I’d live through in 2020.

And I found a new sense of peace. And I was so grateful for the trees and birds. And I like to paint. And I appreciate all things wild and free and natural.

And that’s what I enjoy — looking out my window, taking in the view and the birds and wildlife. Because once I thought I may never see it again.

And we agreed that when mom’s well enough we’re going to go to the big park that’s down my road (not the little one I take my kids to). And me and mom are going to wear Bluetooth earphones, listen to my cute soundtrack whilst sat by the pond for mental peace.

And that’s a plan.

Because if my grandad was here that’s something he would have loved so much. And now I feel guilty.

And these little things create memories. And I’m big on making memories and taking lots of photos. I think photos are important because as we get older and life stresses creep in, we forget the small things, and a picture can bring a whole memory back — a part of our life that made us smile.

So I take so many.

Every time I talk to my mom on FaceTime, every day, we kiss the phone goodbye and I take a screenshot.

Anyway, mom hadn’t felt in the mood to eat, but before I left she was hungry so I ordered her a “proud potato”. She had cottage cheese and prawns. I personally think it looks vile 🤢 but mom’s belly being full and seeing her smile on her beautiful face — that’s all that mattered.

Also my husband put mom a new light fixture up in her living room. She’s obsessed with Temu at the moment and keeps buying little things.

My husband then realised it needed four bulbs and mom didn’t have any spare, so he went to go buy some. This was before the potato.

Also I went for a cigarette outside and it was so cold again today — it was about 2°C. When I came back my hands was cold so she wrapped them in trousers that had been warming on the radiator.

Then she found me some fluffy socks and put them on my feet like I was 6 again 😂 mom’s very cute.

Even though I expressed I hate my feet being covered (part of my autism), as a mother she insisted. And also got me a cardigan. She’s so pure, is my mama.

Anyway… back to the potato.

After mom finished we left to go home. We got in a taxi and his car sounded like it was going to fall apart into nuts and bolts — it was so rattly.

And then he was going fast and kept hitting the curb, so I squeezed my husband’s hand because I was scared.

Also I was fuming on the way there. My big tumbler leaked juice all over my jeans in the taxi and made me look like I pissed myself. I sent a picture to my mom.

I forgot I hadn’t taken my slippers off and I had my trench coat on that looks like a streaker’s coat. Because I’m only 4ft 11 and I think it was made for a 6ft woman — on me it touches my ankles. I looked a right state.

Anyway, on the way home I spilt it again all over my coat 😂

I got in the house, it was tidy, and then just as I got in to relax for 5 minutes my neighbour Pat came. She’s nearly 90. She’s very stern with everyone but has taken a liking to me and reminds me of my grandma Gert who passed in 2020 of dementia.

Grandma Gertie was not stern but had no filter and was very lovable. Pat is only lovable to me and my partner and my kids — and I’m her favourite 😂 I have no idea why.

Anyway, she came because she hadn’t seen me for two days and likes to make sure I’m okay. I’m sure it’s meant to be the other way round.

I’d just put my dinner in and it was nearly ready. Well, my tea. I was making chicken burgers, but because I can’t have gluten, egg or milk I use the chicken instead of bread, then add garlic mayo (only a thin layer), add bacon and cucumber… and it’s actually so good.

Anyway, she wouldn’t go, bless her. It was freezing and I had the door open and she was so cold and so was I.

I think she’s getting Alzheimer’s or dementia as she repeats the same stuff, so it’s hard to leave and say bye and I always feel guilty.

But after 40 minutes at the door, Pat went home.

I ate my food — I made a chicken burger salad instead.

Then my husband went to get the girls and they came home and I made them chicken burgers. I always do a type of burger on Monday as they’re quick, no mess, no hassle, and help on first day back after the weekend.

Then we all had a chat and my little one told me her friends are excited about coming to her birthday on the 3rd of February. We’re doing a prom in my house. Nothing overly expensive — but lots of pink and lots of singing and lights.

She has milk intolerance so I get a family friend to make her cakes and they’re always fabulous. She’s having a wicked Elphaba and Glinda cake, half and half.

Anyway, she also told me she fell off her scooter on the way to school up the hill and then fell over in the school yard and hurt her hip.

She also told me, “Mommy, I have to do the right thing,” and my friend (we’ll call her Rosie)… well Rosie was pressing buttons on this glockenspiel when she wasn’t supposed to.

And I told the teacher my friend Rosie wasn’t listening, even though I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, it was the right thing to do. So then Rosie cried and said she wasn’t coming to my party anymore… so I made her happy and now she’s coming again 😂

I could fill a huge book with all the stories my kids have from school or their dreams. I have three girls, and girls can be very emotional, so you can imagine how it can be.

But I always make time. ALWAYS.

I listen. Sometimes step in and advise. Sometimes laugh. Sometimes ask lots of questions. It’s rather funny.

Then at half 6 we came upstairs to wind them down before bedtime. As it’s colder there’s not much we do outside, so we usually make bracelets or do crafts.

But we’re just gaining our strength back after being so run down for 5 weeks, so we’re just trying to focus on each other and routine at the moment. We’ll get it sorted in no time.

Anyway, we all had a warm drink and a couple of biscuits and they all had a little play together, my daughters.

Now they’re about to do their skin care and get into their pyjamas. The older two will either read a book of choice or watch Netflix or Disney Plus on their iPad.

Then they have to come off or stop what they’re doing as they get distracted and don’t sleep.

My middle one will go straight to sleep. It takes my eldest a bit longer. Also, 5 weeks ago when mom had her heart attack my daughter started her first period the same week. She’s 11 and very private, so that’s also not helped sleeping.

My middle daughter is not private at all, and we’re having to explain privacy and boundaries. She’s suspected high functioning autistic, so she struggles to take in or express emotions or process information, and she is vulnerable.

I reckon if someone said “I have a van full of Robux gift cards, come in and get all of them” she would bloody go in.

But my youngest… she’s like she’s been on this earth before. She would do some sort of kung fu and scream.

And my oldest (may curse, not going to lie) — she doesn’t outside the house — but if she’s had a hard day, as long as it’s not said to other people or directed inside the home at family, and it’s just to express her feelings, I think it’s okay.

She may say shit or arse or frickin a lot, but she would say “get the frick off me you arse hole” and probably try and steal their van 😂

My eldest doesn’t want a boyfriend. She wants to be independent, buy herself an engagement ring, have a beautiful house and be a fashion designer. She’s a lot like her nannan 😂

But my other two — they’re romantic and lovey and like princes and fairytales.

It’s crazy how three children can be so different yet so alike. One more story my 5 year old just randomly started belly laughing in bed and I said what’s up and I’m laughing as well and so is her daddy and she said there was this boy today “we will call him lukas” anyway she said Lukas had his coat and his lunch box in his hand she said we was playing and he suddenly grabbed his butt and started running so mummy I started running behind but I’m a slow runner and as he was running he was trumping each step and he was screaming in front of all the outdoor class and the teachers “I NEED A POO I NEED A POO AHHHH” and honey said I’ve never laughed so much in my life mom I waited outside the boys toilets and he come out and said “finally I’ve had a poo” and my youngest said he’s so funny he’s one of my best mates but school stinks now. She is so comical how she told the story. I love all gossip and school tea they spill when they get home.

Anyway, I’ve got to go now because it’s bedtime for my kiddy winks. And I’m going to be honest, I feel I may nod if I’ve been up mega early. My throat’s feeling rather sore and I want my bed, but I’m going to try and stay awake until 9 so I’m not waking up every hour.

But I’ll add some pictures of today. There’s one of a pigeon I took that made me and my mom laugh because I never realised their eyes look like them craft googly eyes you can buy at a hobby store 😂😂

Very funny.

But I’ll add some pictures of today and I’ll update you all for day three tomorrow.

Also, if you’re reading this I appreciate it so much. And if anyone wants to donate to help towards my peace pod I’d be grateful. If not, I’m grateful just that you’re here, engaging and reading my boring, beautiful, chaotic life.

Also, if you could share with friends that would help also.

Paypal- paypal.me/harleyellie28

That isn’t my name it’s a two characters I like by the way.

Signing off,

Unmasked mama 💛